Wednesday, 25 August 2010

She Is...

I may be repeating myself, but as some of you are aware, I've been blogging about my experience with this year's Glastonbury Goddess Conference on my Avalon Blessings blog.  Today I posted Part IV of the series.  For those who don't want to read the whole post, I'll quote the relevant bit that I want to address more here:-

"The third talk was by Jacqui Woodward-Smith, a Priestess of Avalon very dear to me as she was really my first teacher on this path.  She has been the main facilitator of the Tribe of Avalon for many years and an inspiration to me.  Her talk was entitled Living Blodeuwedd and she talked about how the story of her own life thus far resonated a lot with the story of Blodeuwedd.  And through Jacqui's talk, I began to really make some connections within myself about certain things regarding my own sexuality and wounds of love.  She proved once again to be a teacher and inspiration to me and I shall share more about those connections in my Aphrodite's Flowers blog as those sharings will be more appropriate there."

Jacqui's talk inspired a lot in me.  One thing she said that really resonated was, "I love the Lady of Avalon but Blodeuwedd is my soul."

My heart really skipped a beat at this because something rose up in me and said, "Yes!"

I knew exactly how she felt.  I love the Lady of Avalon with all my heart.  There is no question that I am Her priestess and in service to Her.  But Aphrodite is my soul.  I'm grateful to Jacqui for putting it so eloquently and giving me a way to say it so eloquently myself.  

I've long felt that Aphrodite put Her stamp on me from the time I was born.  I talked about this in my post "My Journey with Aphrodite".  There was a party going on in the 7th house of Libra the day I was born and Venus, Herself, was hostess.  Looking back on my childhood and teenage years, I can see how Aphrodite was there for me even when I didn't know it.  No matter what path I take, they all lead to Her and She is always there.  Sometimes She makes Her presence known in obvious ways and other times She sits back and gently guides from the shadows, but She is always there in my soul and the very essence of my being.

As Jacqui spoke, I began to also make some other connections about my own wounding in my sexuality and my views.  I began to really see how in my past it was only when I could incite admiration and desire in men that I felt powerful and yet it also scared me.  I would be befuddled when I'd do absolutely nothing and yet guys would, *ahem*, react to me.   I'd close myself off with the attitude of, "You can look but you can't have me."  

As I looked at all of this, I began to wonder why it was that I sought power over men in this way and yet was so afraid of men at the same time.  Of course, powering over was a way to control my own fear but where did this fear come from?  It was all such a strange issue of control and power exchange.  

These days I don't seek any kind of male attention save for my husband's and I certainly have matured enough that I know and understand that powering over is wrong.  I know there are people who still think I'm attractive, beautiful even, and I feel flattered that they do.  But I still don't believe it myself and as I've gained loads of weight in the past 8 years, I feel I've done the ultimate in turning away any kind of admiration or attention by making myself UNattractive.  

I also began to think about the path of the Sacred Prostitute.  I've said many times I honour the path of the Qadishtu but it is not a path for me.  I still feel that way, but I began to realise that maybe I was looking down my nose at it more than I was honouring it.  I admit that there is something about it that makes me cringe a bit on the inside.  Ok, so some of that may be societal conditioning, but what else might be causing me to have problems with this?  Something seemed amiss in my thinking about it.   Am I homogenizing Aphrodite too much by not honouring Her Sacred Sexual aspect enough?  And if so, how can I rectify that for myself? 

Jacqui's talk inspired in me the need to examine or re-examine these two areas of my own sexuality and thinking.  I would eventually gain further perspective on this during the Conference (another post will be needed for that!) but more reading, meditating, consideration, whatever is needed to full understand and heal these parts of myself and my path.  I've not had a chance to really sit with any of this since I've returned home from the Conference but hope to very soon when the kids go back to school!  In the meantime, this is kind of an "open processing" and if you feel compelled to share something which may aid my processing and integrating, I am open to the wisdom of others on this.  

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